Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tour Blog #2!

Ah, Australia, land of sun, surf, and bad soap operas. You have always been missing something, haven’t you? As a country. A landmass. An entity. And now, for twelve whole days, you finally HAVE what you’ve been missing. You have ME.


It’s hot here, down at the Gold Coast, but not overly hot. Not oppressively hot. It’s a kind of heat that will melt you if given the chance, but with a judicious use of shade and breeze and air conditioning, you can hold off the melting and walk around with a smile and sunglasses, thinking you’re the coolest creature who ever strolled. And I am.

I arrived at the Somerset Literary Festival on Wednesday morning- pulled up to an actual red carpet with around one thousand cheering Skulduggery readers, just waiting for a glimpse of their golden god (me). I stepped out of a 1928 Chevy and stood there, grinning, arms outstretched, basking in thoroughly deserved and long overdue adulation. Men wept. Women swooned. It was a good day to be a golden god.

Escorted around campus by the ever-vigilant Laurence, I was taken to the Great Hall, where I was magnificent in front of 700 students. Oh, they laughed. Oh, they cried. Oh, they adored. I was truly brilliant. In those moments, I reached a level of perfection few have glimpsed, yet alone achieved. I was so good, so moving, that one student, a beautiful girl called Mya- or, possibly, Mia- asked me if I would marry her. I said yes. We are to be married, ladies and gentlemen. It is a happy, happy day.

Mya/Mia, all I need is your second name or, indeed, the correct spelling of your first name, and then I feel that our love can truly blossom. I’m not altogether sure you were expecting me to say yes, however. Now that I think about it, I realise there is a possibility that you may not have been entirely serious when you asked. In fact, you probably weren’t. Which means I am NOT engaged.

Oh.

That’s okay. I didn’t even want to get married. I’m happy being single. I don’t need you, Mia/Mya. You OR your confusing name.

Ahem.

Nobody else asked me to marry them. I’ve done four events over the past two days, signed as much as I could, had a laugh and met some truly frightening readers, but no one else asked. Which is okay. That’s fine. I don’t, like… it’s not important, basically. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here for the BOOKS. They’re all that matters. Was I flattered by the proposal? Of course. Who wouldn’t be? Was I looking forward to settling down? Yes, I suppose I was. But that was a pipe dream. I was a fool to think I could be happy. Mia/Mya probably proposes to every writer she meets. What made me think that I was so special?

...

I’m better now. I don’t need your pity. SAVE YOUR PITY! SAVE IT FOR MY ENEMIES!

Tomorrow, Friday, I go to Brisbane, where I do more stuff and sign more things. And then on Saturday, it’s off to Sydney, where I can see the famous Opera House… hopefully from my hotel window, because I really don’t wanna leave my air-conditioned room.

Just had a text from my friend Laura, who is minding my house while I’m away. The dogs have torn the stuffing from their bed, apparently, and the blind on the living room window attacked her when she tried to close it. It leaped onto her head and then clattered heroically to the ground, where it lay, moaning occasionally after she kicked it. She is breaking my house. Dear lord, she is breaking my house.

51 comments:

hera104 said...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Robyn said...

Well I didn't think I was THAT frightening...Oh well I'm going to be mature and blame it on the bubbly. I still can't believe you only got two of those little complimentary drink goodies. As a "Golden God" I think you should have been entitled to all the free refreshments your little heart desired.

Thanks again for signing my books and for the chat. Hopefully I will see you should you decide to tour Australia again :)

Have fun in Brisbane tomorrow!

Boxer-Girl said...

Well Derek...

I noticed in your last Blog that you talk to Flaring waaayyy too much!!!

I hate to break it too ya, but don't you leave ur hotel room for... Lets say... Book things??

I also hate to burst ur bubble a 2nd time in 1 comment but did u ever see the movie Jumper or Push... Yea, if not I would go Watch them somewhere...or they are on 2 for 12 euro in HMV...

I demand you to Say Hi to me at the Pavillions when you do the book signing

And to Write another Blog!!

Saoirse Traynor (Aka Violet Nymph aka Boxer-Girl aka Squasher... Longgg Storys!)

Mysterious Lady Cain said...

Will you marry me?

It'll be the most advantageous of marriages. Would you like to know why? You do? That's what I thought. Allow me to explain.

Along with my stunning good looks and winning personality, I also come fully packaged with an abundance of obscure Tibetan trivia. Did you know that the dried dung of a yak is the only source of fuel available on the high treeless Tibetan plateau? Fascinating place, Tibet.

The only foreseeable blemish on my resume would be that I have not yet wiped out the opossum menace. I am currently still in the initial stage of my plan to exterminate these horrid creatures. Not to give anything away, but said plan utilizes not only naked mole rats, but also various forms of cheese.

As of the present moment, I've not caused the destruction of any house I've lived in. Granted, several have been destroyed, but those were the result of natural disasters and I refuse to believe I've unknowingly acquired powers over mother nature. After all, I haven't yet sacrificed that goat.

I have my own source of income. Sources, really. As for the nature of said income, I will leave that up to your imagination. Rest assured, there will be a constant supply of cheese and toilet paper. You will never have to worry about such things again.

All in all, I'm sure you can see where you would benefit from such a union.

Just saying.

MLC

(If this is not acceptable. I also offer up a bribe of twenty apples. The type of apple is negotiable.)

pirate-Jenny-sama said...

You could marry me? I can imagine my friends jealousy if I were to tell them that. They would be jealous, oh yes - that is how fantastic you are :)

Together we would rule to world. You with your fantastic awesomeness and me with my amazing ninja skills. We would be unstoppable.

I feel ashamed to admit but I haven't commented on the your last few blogs (not that I'm sure you noticed, or cared, seeing as how you constantly beg us all not to comment). I hate blogs, and therefor felt no need in cluttering my already crowded mind with remembering my password or user name... or indeed the website... Oh, how I fail as a self proclaimed stalker of such a fantastic writer. Not to worry, I'm back now! And just in time to throw in the question of marriage ;) Although, really, I'm thinking I should be waiting until AFTER I've read the fourth book to ask that question, just to make sure you don't do anything silly, like kill one of my favorite characters. I have already heard one thing I am 'hmmming' about, thanks to my utterly useless little sister who spoils all my books for me. But as my love is eternal, I shall forgive anyway, and eagerly read Dark Days when it arrives through my letter box (not that it will fit through the letterbox, so, inconsiderate as always, Mr Postman will wake me up at the ungodly hour of 11am).

Louis said...

sooooooooooooooooo hi again

iw will see you i 1 our a and i will brinng cheese

yes thats right i will bring cheese.... and a poster that says ive got cheese so yes.... ahv a nice day

Avotica said...

Hmm, that's amusing.

You came at a strange time for the weather, I think. Never mind.

Mai Boley said...

LOL when you get back ur house will be dust and rubble XD and they will stand (Laura and your dogs) in the middle of the chaos with grins on their faces and will casually try to pass off everything is a-okay XD actually if your dogs grinned like that, i would lock myself in the bloody car. that's just scary. anywhu, a marraige would only drag you down mr landy, but if i were old enough, i would propose to you XD but i wouls expect no response :) since ur so 'godly' >_> aaaanway, good luck on ur tour man, AND COME BACK TO THE UK SOON. we rock. we r the best country evar :D ireland and uk miss you :3

Mai Boley said...

aaaah! the spelling! *would

Thomas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thomas said...

Hello, Mr Landy.

Do you have to buy tickets beforehand for the public events? Because I am not missing your New Zealand event. For anything. If I have to use my home-made Desolation Engine to get in, then I will. Would you be able to handle that, Mr Landy? Would you be able to handle the deaths of multiple people because one crazy fan could not get into an event? Oh, you could. OK then, never mind.

Also. If it is cheese you require, sir, then it is cheese you shall get. When I hand over my books to get signed, you may well find a slice of cheese hidden in the cover of each of my four books. Just to pre-warn you.

Good day. See you on the 29th.

I'm waiting for you.

ralindir said...

Hee, every day I am looking forwards more and more to Tuesday (when I shall have the wonderful chance to come and ogle the golden god). I'm glad to see that Brisbane appreciates you so- I was unaware your Australian fanbase was this extensive until I started following a Facebook group about your tour. It was a wonderful surprise indeed.

Judging by the comments across the last two posts, I suspect customs and quarantine are going to have their hands full if you try and bring back with you all the cheese you're likely to receive during this trip...

Sacha x said...

I was there in Brisbane! I was there! It was great. I can't wait 'til you make a tour blog about Brisbane. I wonder if you remember the girl with the curly hair who's mother almost failed at taking a photo... Damned camera.

stopscratchingit said...

Dear Mr Landy,

One day I am sure I shall, like scores of other Skulduggery fans, actually take the time to read through your (presumably highly entertaining) blog. However, despite being the grand mage of procrastinators, I actually have to rush off and do some work in a few moments.

However, upon discovering that you have a blog, I felt it would be a particularly convenient place to stop by and reprimand you for stealing the last iota of sanity that a great pal of mine possessed until fairly recently. She was innocently, contentedly, and metaphorically munching her way through the Fiction section of Waterstones, when she devoured your series (and they went down a treat). Subsequently, and somewhat unfortunately, she has now packed a suitcase with socks and Jelly Babies, and set off in pursuit of a friend/husband/life partner lacking in corpus, taste, and any sense of safety.

I fear that the last vestiges of her confused, fairy-tale fraught mind may be prayed upon by vagabonds; and, though I think she is unlikely to make it past any sane customs officer, I must ask that you keep an eye out for her. If, by some administrative disaster, she is somehow granted entry to Ireland, I can only hope that you will box her up with a chocolate bar or two, and post her back into my open and loving arms, where I can assure you she will be put on a strict, character-controlled diet.

Wishing you all of my best, and a good day,

A concerned fan, and a dedicated friend,

Or perhaps an adjectively befuddled fool.

Julia said...

I was in Brisbane. You said hi to me! In front of everyone!

Do you remember that kid who gave you, like, a dollar? because you said you wanted money? I was laughing so much...

Did you notice, Mr. Landy, how they made us, The young kids, and TRUE FANS, sit on the floor, while the adults, who had probably never even read your books, got to sit on chairs? THE INJUSTICE!!!

Anyway, you have to remember me. Some of the first words out of your mouth were "Is Julia here?" and I put my hand up, and waved it about until you noticed me (the girl with the grey top) and you said hi to me. Infront of everyone. And people looked at me wierd.
Yeah.
Best. Day. Ever.


Thanks for getting me in in the first place,by the way.



Your Biggest Fan
In Her Opinion, Anyway.

Holly said...

Hmmm. Is your tour going to be taking you to Cornwall, by any chance? Land of the mad farmers and talking pasties?
I can't be bothered to find out and so am asking here, just to annoy you. Here, I am safe from a hearty laugh and a LMGTFY.com link.
Here, I can ask inane questions until the mad pasties come home and shout at me.
You're not the only one with evil masters, you know.

Bex. said...

And, still, you FAIL TO COME HERE! Damn this, this, EXCUSE for a county... THING! Sigh.
I do have to say though, that whatever possible sanity you have left WOULD be lost in meeting me, or my dear, sweet, exentric (AKA geriatric) mother for that matter. But, hey, everybody DOES love me, and my insanity. Well, they more kind of LAUGH at me than, like, laugh WITH me. But, thats OK, I'm not one to take that kind of thing to heart, I just end up laughing along. But, yeah, so, I ALSO have a fan club to attend to. FAREWELL!

Carina said...

Ha! Fan girls... What am I saying I'm definitly one and the biggest Skulduggery fan. (along with those who share my ultimate passion for the books and your awesomely amusing blog)I've always wanted to see the Opera House. Maybe you'll get one of those fancy hotels with the huge window. That would be a sight.
I totally agree that my country is totally missing the component that is you. I would recomend taking a trip to the US. (lol)

Good luck! :)

Monique said...

HI DEREK!!
It is me, the girl who travelled seven hours to see you! I had a wonderful time, I will brag to my friends at home, when I get there...but my arch enemy cannot brag about you because she has never heard of you! For once, I win against her. All thanks to you! You are right, you are my god. Had a great time, I will never forget it EVER, even if I suddenly got my whole meomory wiped I would force myself to remember that event.
Will and his mother will be happy, I forget to tell you that his mother is my Drama teacher and I peform Skulduggery for competitions and exams. It is fun, and I always use Scapegrace because he is a deluded moron :)

P.S. Will you marry me?? Pretty please?

the-evil-geek said...

I Heart Australian Soap Operas.

CleoLamora said...

COME TO SWEDEN!

OR ELSE I WILL PUT ON MY VIKING HELMET AND KIDNAP YOU!

[I'm not kidding, I really do have a helmet. With horns and everything!!]

lilian.thigh said...

The weather's not that hot today; I would call it somewhat dreary. DO pop out of that lovely hotel room of yours for an ice cream down by the harbour! :)

(Does everyone present grasp the sheer stupidity of my situation? The very day DEREK LANDY officially starts his Sydney tour, is the day I leave on holiday. My best friend was totally prepared to skip her TAFE class to see DEREK LANDY, but her parents won't let her.

The best contingency plan we've got is to make her little sister go. Her little sister...laden with at least one unread virgin copy of Dark Days, a relatively battered copy of Playing With Fire, and a drawing you may recognise as 'the Girl From Ipanema one'...who hates Skulduggery Pleasant. Oh the humanity. TT_TT)

Holly said...

OH MY GOD! YOU ARE COMING TO CORNWALL/DEVON!
YOU'RE COMING TO A RANDOM STORE IN EXETER, NEAR ME! I AM SO GONNA BE THERE! *collapses in fangirl induced seizure*

Mad Hatter said...

Damn lucky Australians... Why won't you come here? Well, the answear is obvious. The weather is gloomy, there isn't a large enough fanbase (bloody translators...) and it's a country no-one really cares about. (Exept for the money thing...)
Anyway, lucky you. I've always wanted to come to Australia...

Holly said...

Uh, people? I need your help. Derek Landy probably won't reply to this, so I need your help. I am stuck without my SP books. Stuck, people. The horror!
:O
--
Anyway, can anyone here- who has the books- tell me the make and models of the Bentley, Canary Car and Purple Horror?
--
You'll find out why soon. *cackles*
PLEASE HELP!

CharliH said...

You poor thing Derek. When you get back, the house shall not be a house any more (Think atomic bomb) and your dogs shall be mentally scarred. I belive I have you to thank for my love of fedoras and their mini-me's, Trilbys. TTFN, Enjoy Auzzie-land!

Louis said...

i wa that guy wid the blue toung, black curly hair and my dad couldent get the camera on his fone to work so yeah,

yayyyyyy u ramember me

theflippyone said...

I'm coming to see you, Mister Landy, tomorrow, on the 23rd in Sydney, at Shearers On Norton. And I WILL propose to you, Mister Landy. I shall even hold up a sign, with my name on it, so as to avoid any confusion. And then, once we are married, I will have the honour of reading all future books before they are published, unlike any OTHER readers, for they are not MARRIED to you, see? Oh, you won't let me? But I'm your wife. You HAVE to.
And I've always wanted dogs.
P.S. Apologies about the bad soap operas. We're ashamed of them, really, we are.

Great Unclean One said...

Hang on, hang on, hang on, did someone just mention a desolation engine? In which case I country with ALL of the Ortegas..... (They can ALL activate =D), see Mr Landy, I have just saved you from an undead steampunk machine thingy.... with a family of Gunslingers....

Emily... said...

I demand that you come to Penrith while you're in Sydney. I DEMAND it.

Why? Because us small folk here in Penrith want to acknowledge the awesome power of the Golden God, and because we need guidance, oh mighty one.

And also because Penrith is awesome and you must experience it's awesomeness before you leave us to go to some other place that could never be as awesome as Penrith.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase, oh high and mighty, brilliant and genius, awesome and quintuple awesomeness named Sir Derek Landy?

P.S Say Hi to your new little nieces, one of which shares the cool name of Emily with me. Thanks!

P.P.S Please come! We neeeeeeeed you! And of course, you neeeeeeeed our loyalty and undivided attention and affection. Thanks!!!

Jake said...

Hi derek landy your books rock! keep em' coming!

Melissa said...

BWHAH! 'Tis me again, looking forward to seeing my unbelievably highly praised author on friday....my costume is valkyrie and i have the coolest glasses(other than your's, my lord) in the whole of dymocks!! i wanna see if you can recognise me, even remember this simple little comment, hoping you will say..."hey! your that girl that loves to say BWHAHA" or something -a-rather. looking forward to seeing you, the biggest and most loyal friend/reader/follower...MELISSA!

sakura.c said...

All we can do is perpetually hope right Carina? I'll send my hope waves to you Mr. Landy in order to make you realize that a tarriance to the US is terribly advantageous to you! Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope....(continues forever 'till you come.)

Skyril

revgreen said...

Hey Derek (If its u) well done on winning the N.I. book awards I was at the awards and you should have heard the screams of me and my friend when we heard u had won WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JB Hi Fi said...

I'd propose if you were coming to Adelaide :). You know, there's more to Australia than the East coast...

simallyher said...

Hey Derek,

Just got back to Bendigo from your Melbourne stint at Dymocks. Have to say, never knew you had a blog till I met Melissa (Bwahaha girl) it's awesomt that authors like yourself tour countries and not only promote yourself but reading as well. Anyway, I found you hilarious and still believe that David Tennant would make the best Skulduggery Pleasant! Deff not Johnny Depp...he's just too short and all wrong!

Looking forward to the next book :)

~Sim

Tara said...

Okay so I'm back now but you wouldn't care. Anyways, I can't believe you didn't expect someone to propose to you. Frankly, I'm shocked that another dude didn't, like propose to you. I mean, people are weird like that. And to prove it you should read your comments more often.

But I'm only telling you this so you won't be so shocked next time but quite personally I don't care because, me, being perfect in every way and more so than you(no offense) expect everything out of the ordinary and nothing normal. There. Now be prepared for me to beat you in the best selling list for I have found eight four leafed clovers and your evil leprechaun powers will be completely useless against me. And again I find ninjas just dumb so it still doesn't faze me.

Melissa said...

BWHAHA! i actually cant believe you recognised me lol...this is a comment to tell you off though...if you are reading this, i expect there to be another blog! Love Snooksy =P

georgie12porgie said...

I hate people with confusing names!!!!!
I would ask you to marry me but I would insist to keep my name and just double-barrell our names. By the way my full name is Georgia Karis Sangster-Penfold so, if we did marry we would be Mr and Mrs Sangster-Penfold-Landy or Landy-Sangster-Penfold, it really depends...on nothing as we can't marry. Anywho,good luck with your tour, and hurry back to your ruined (but lovly, i'm sure)house.

yours
Georgia S-P

JT said...

hay im a new reader of your books and im realy enjoying then. but ive heard that there going to be made into a movie. could you post on your bolg when you have the time. some info about it like a website that gives information on orditions and things like that

cant what till your next book and hope yourve got the time to do this

josh a fan

Acacia Volt said...

oh please, oh please, oh please, tell me that you are going to come to australia again!!! and if you do come to coffs harbour this time please!!!!

Lemony Good said...

How many proposals is THAT? Just in the comments section?! Jesus Christ - I never get asked anything at all! I have to make my OWN cups of tea!

Star Midnight said...

Is this where people started calling you the golden god?

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Hello there.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

I do believe it might be, Star.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Who really knows?

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*hoots*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

I'm a hoot.

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

*chortles*

Octaboona Ambrosius: Horace said...

Achievement completed.

Clara L. Crowley, Hotel Manager, The Majestic Pirate Crowley, Blogland Award Winner, Teenage Librarian said...

This blog post has been documented, recorded, and filed into the Blogland Archive on December 8, 2014.