Thursday, November 10, 2011

Derek's Great Adventure

Last night I had a thrilling escape.

Oh you should've been there. There was shouting and wailing and weeping, and violence! Oh so much violence! There was a knife involved, and a hammer, and it was all very dramatic. What started out as a normal night in changed in the blink of an eye, and suddenly I was trapped, with no way out.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having some work done to the house. One of these little jobs is to have all of the inside doors replaced- because they were old-fashioned, apparently. (They didn't look old-fashioned to me, to be perfectly honest. They pretty much looked like doors. I didn't even KNOW doors could look old-fashioned. But there you go.)

Anyway, so the carpenters spent the whole day fitting these new doors. They put the hinges on, set the doors into the door frames, put in the locks and latches. The only thing they didn't do was put the actual door HANDLES in. Which was fine. They were going to do that first thing in the morning. The only thing I had to be careful of was not let any of the doors actually CLOSE. No problem, thought I.

I was heading to bed at about three that night. I gave the doggies their usual scratch behind the ears at bedtime and left them in the dark kitchen. Next I went looking for the cats with a can of air freshener (the only thing that will convince the cats to leave the house at night is when I spray an aerosol can nearby. Otherwise they'll just look at me while I'm trying to herd them out, and not actually move). I got the first two cats to leave, but the Mammy Cat was in her usual place, sitting on my chair in my office. She's really taken to this chair. Every day it's a struggle to be the one to sit in it- and the problem is compounded by the fact that she's sneakier than I am. She'll stand on the desk, watching me, and then she'll usually knock something over. After I've picked it up I'll look around and she'll be curled up on my chair with this insanely smug cat-expression on her cat-face. It's gotten so bad I'm seriously considering buying a second chair, just for her.

But I digress.

So, the Mammy Cat is in my office. I close the door over- careful not to close it fully- and open the window. I look at the Mammy Cat. I know she knows what this means. I know she knows I have the aerosol can. I know she knows the door is closed over so there's no escape. I hold up the can. She glares at me through slitted eyes. I shake the can. Reluctantly, she stands, and stretches. She moves from the chair onto the desk, up onto the printer to the window-sill.

"Good girl," I say.

She looks at me. Then the VERY slight breeze wafts in through the window and the door behind me clicks shut. I freeze, my eyes wide. The Mammy Cat gives a cat-smirk, and vanishes into the night.

I turn to the door. "Oh no," I say. "Oh no no no." I dig my finger into the hole burrowed for the handle to go in, and try and pull the door open. No chance. I take out my pen-knife, slide it through and try to unlatch the latch. No luck. I have a screwdriver in my office, so I push that into the handle-hole and try to use the screwdriver itself as a handle. Not a hope.

I stare at the door. "Oh dear God."

I look at the window. It's pretty narrow and it's pretty high up, but I'm relatively sure I can clamber up and squeeze through. But then what? I've just locked up. Every door in the place is locked, and all the keys are still IN the locks. Even if I got out the window, there would be no way back in.

I stare at the door. This is becoming a situation. This is becoming serious. I am actually trapped in my office, with no way out.

(This is when the shouting and wailing and weeping occurred. The violence will occur soon.)

I spend the next twenty minutes trying to open the door using my pen-knife and the screwdriver. I've seen the movies where the hero slides a credit card between the door and the doorframe and unlocks it, so I even try that. But apparently my door is cash only, because my credit card isn't accepted and so is returned- kind of sheepishly- to my wallet.

I have to break down the door. I have to.

The idea fills me with a strange sort of glee.

I've never broken down a door before. I've written about it, but I've never actually done it.

I'm going to kick it down. That's what I'm going to do. I grin, take a step back, and get ready. This is going to be AWESOME.

But then I remember that the door opens INWARDS. So if I DID kick it down, it would splinter the doorframe. And while replacing the door wouldn't be a problem, replacing the door-FRAME would be slightly more of an issue.

My grin fades. Whatever I do, I can't damage the frame. Which means I literally have to make a hole in the door so that I can dismantle the lock/latch mechanism by simply pulling it out.

I look around my office. There are all the usual things you'd find in an office. Pens. Paper. A computer. Strange-looking lamps. A scarf. A phone. A filing cabinet. Books. Comics. A board game. And then I see it, resting on one of the shelves. A hammer.

The grin returns to my face. I'm going to bust open my door using a hammer. This night is AWESOME.

I return to the door, hammer in hand. I spend a few seconds  going over all the possibilities. I'm going to feel pretty silly in the morning if I've wrecked the door and there was an easy way out all along. But I'm pretty sure there isn't. I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice.

So I swing.

Oh, it is glorious, the swinging. The hammer makes a big dent on impact. I swing again, and the wood cracks. I swing again, and again, and suddenly I'm through. I can see the hall. This is going to work.

And so, I demolish the door. With each swing the intensity grows. The wood splinters and cracks and falls away and still I swing, harder and harder, reveling in the violence. Battered holes in the door join up to make bigger holes. The impacts ring in my ears. I can see the lock mechanism but I have to make the hole bigger. Much bigger. Laughing, I continue my attack. The door doesn't stand a chance.

"Think you're so tough?" I almost rant. "Think you're such a tough door? Look at you now! I'm breaking you apart! I could stick my head all the way through you and shout "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!' You are NOTHING to me! I am victorious! You are NOTHING!"

The door doesn't stand a chance. By the time my bloodlust has abated, pieces of the door are scattered all over the hall floor. I rip out the lock mechanism and pull open the door and laugh. LAUGH, I tell you.

"Is that it?" I almost cry. "Is that the best you've got? Is there no one on this Earth to even CHALLENGE  me? Come! Kneel before me! Kneel before the Golden God!"

Silence echoes around the house. The house fears me. The house SHOULD fear me. For I am a great and terrible God.




This morning the carpenters came back. They looked at the door, at the mess on the floor, and frowned. "Did... did we leave it like this?" they asked.

I hesitated only a moment. "Yes," I said. "Very sloppy work, gentlemen. Very sloppy work indeed."

And I walked away.

4,833 comments:

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Star Inkbright said...

Hi people!

As i predicted, i woke up late today.

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

*is listening to my ipod still*

This song was written for my cousin...

Nixion Strange said...

i went to bed last night at half past 2. I just love talking here

Nixion Strange said...

Hey Star

Lavender Hope said...

Ha Nix. Saw your comment on the next post.

I'm ready there too. :P

Lynxia Lost said...

Hi Star!

Nixion Strange said...

yeah, i saw yours lav

Star Inkbright said...

It's twenty past nine in the morning here.

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

I'm going to bed once I finish typing out what I have of this story...

Star Inkbright said...

I also went to sleep at half two, nixion.

I can't say bed coz i was in bed while i was here as well.

Lavender Hope said...

Hi Star.

Yeah. I love talking here too. :P

*remembers something*
I read those comments you had with Shadow, Nix.

I'm sorry we Americans think like that.

I did too. I don't know much about other countries. But I want to visit you all sometime. Maybe then, we can all learn from each other about our countries...

*is sleepy*

Nixion Strange said...

not sure who won on Columbus vs Kirk either...

Zathract Mist said...

...That was...wow...

Nixion Strange said...

i don't think you think like that Lav. Just some Americans

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

Hey Mist

Star Inkbright said...

Hi zath!

HG was wow? Coolio:)

Nixion Strange said...

Yeah, I had the same reaction Mist
What did you think of it

Lavender Hope said...

Yeah, well I used to...

yeah...

but now I don't anymore.

Hi Mist. *sleepy smile*

Nixion Strange said...

Im a little more hesitant to make a vid now... i feel nervous about it

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

*looks at the date*

22 more days!

Lynxia Lost said...

Hi Zath!

Why nervous Nix?

Nixion Strange said...

til you turn 13 Val

Lavender Hope said...

I was so happy they left the scene with Rue and the flowers.

At first, I thought they didn't.

I cried at that part. So sad... But loved it all the same.

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

Yes, it's 22 days till I turn thirteen.

Nixion Strange said...

I just... i don't like the way i look. That's why im so comfortable here, cause no one knows

Star Inkbright said...

WOW, WE'RE NEARLY AT THE END OF THE POST!!!

Lynxia Lost said...

Guys, in One for you thingy. There's this 'ball' because Tallulah has managed to get into it and we have to trash it to get her but... (Val you're not gonna like this) You have to wear formal wear. Dresses and suits. You OK with that?

Lavender Hope said...

I say er and um all the time when I speak. Well, when I can't think of anything to say at least...

And other things too, but not bothering to type them.

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

I'm sure you'll be fine, Nix. You shouldn't be nervous about that, because no one's going to judge you by your appearance.

Nixion Strange said...

i have to wear a tie and blazer to school every day, a suit isn't that bad

Nixion Strange said...

yes, they'll judge me on my maybe immaginary stutter or my ramble

Valkyrie V. - Ivy said...

Wait, I have to wear a DRESS? WHEN?

Robin Snowscar said...

WHATT?

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